Donald Swaddlington

My photo
Victorian / Edwardian Gentleman. Avid Biscuit Enthusiast & Former Malvern District Young Sausage Maker of The Year Runner Up 1876.

laughter


Dear Swadders, Is laughter really the best medicine?
Charmaine Curry - Bromley

Swadders: I believe it very well could be Charmaine. For it is capable of releasing an array of helpful enzymes into the bloodstream whilst ushering away a whole host of unpleasant stuff. I recently cured myself of a tricky bout of pneumonia simply by watching 6 and a half minutes of ' It Ain't Half Hot Mum ' on YouTube.

tartan


Dear Sir, I was wondering do you ever wear a kilt and if so, in which tartan ?
Charmaine Curry - Bromley by Bow Overpass

Swadders: I once had my own bespoke Swaddlington tartan designed for me Charmaine. Or so I thought. It was actually material left over from the seats on the Bay City Rollers tour bus. A low point in an otherwise fun decade.

dreams

Darling Donald, Last night I had an erotic dream and when I awoke I had 7 sheds in my back garden. I wondered whether you have had any interesting dreams lately.Yours emotively  
Sir Bernard of Rogers  - Sevenoaks Boxing Club

Swadders: Its funny you should mention this Sir Bernard . I am almost constantly plagued with dreams containing erotic content. Only two nights ago I had to physically and quite graphically satisfy 8 women on a local cul de sac within a dream. Their husbands were away at the time on a golfing holiday. I found this very strange as in real life none of them own any golf clubs.

rat in my kitchen


Dearest Donald , There's a rat in my kitchen what am I going to do ? There's a rat in my kitchen what am I going to do ?
Derek O'Karma - Bristol

Swadders: You're going to fix that rat that's what you're going to do. You're going to fix that rat. Or alternatively you could involve some sort of pest control organisation. Although I'm informed that'll take several visits to your residence and culminate in a large invoice old sausage.

ladies

Good morning Sir Swadders, Why do ladies make things more complicated than they have to be ?
Lindsy Sell - Wisconsin

Swadders: Good morning to you Lindsy. Yes they're certainly a complicated species. Apart from my Aunt Petula. But then again she was originally my Uncle Malcolm. Which speaks volumes.

poppadoms


Dear Swadders , Are poppadoms illegal in theatres ? My son has just posed this to me and I feel I need further advice!
Sarah Murtagh - Tring, Herts

Swadders: Although extremely hazardous, I can find no law which forbids taking such an item into a theatre Sarah. Yet leopards & tapioca are banned. Crazy !

smugglers



Dear Swadders, Another bathing question ... budgie smugglers or trunks ? ;)
Lizzie Brennan - Perth , Western Australia

Swadders: Ha Ha Ha bathing trunks everytime young Lizzie. My budgie needs room to manoeuvre.

chip shop


Dear Swadders, I'm on a coach to Bridlington, can you recommend a good chip shop ?
Isaac Walker - Sheffield

Swadders: I can Isaac but unfortunately it's in Whitby.

3 women

Good Afternoon Donald , despite favouring the company of young men . I have recently made 3 women in their late 30's pregnant. Help !
Derek O'Karma - Bristol

Swadders: Erm ....

miracles

While I'm here , do you believe in miracles , Donald ?
Rhett Tuxedo - Tentacion , Mexico

Swadders : I do as a matter of fact Rhett. Only six years ago I was thinking of my frail old Aunt. Then suddenly last Tuesday, right out of the blue, she sent me a telegram asking for the safe return of her Teasmade ( which she had lent to me three decades earlier). Maybe my lame tale is more of a coincidence than a miracle. But it was the only thing I could think of, at short notice, that fitted in with your question. I wish you a peaceful & fruitful evening.

cholesterol


Dear Swadders, My G.P and Nutritionalist have both suggested weetabix would help lower my cholesterol. I've only ever used weetabix for cleaning the ring from round the bath. I'm a little concerned about the size of these things. Are they for oral or suppository use ?
Dave Wealleans - Northumbria

Swadders : Ha Ha, I suspect you'd get no joy from inserting one of these friendly little biscuits inside your back passage David. Or perhaps you would. No, they are for oral use only. I have 3 most mornings with warm milk & honey. I then stand back and let the merriment commence.

allergic


Dearest Donald , I recently discovered I'm allergic to marzipan. Do you have any food allergies ?
Apronia Applethwaite - East Riding of Yorkshire

Swadders: I do indeed young Apronia. Two in fact. Buffallo Mozzarella and Tic Tac's.

earliest memory

Dear Swadders, What is your earliest memory ?
Leonard Leonardson -Hastings

Swadders: I'd have to say being locked inside a sherbet fountain factory for 3 days over a May bank holiday Leonard. I was either 27 or 32 at the time and amused myself in a variety of ways, right up until the point of rescue.