Donald Swaddlington

My photo
Victorian / Edwardian Gentleman. Avid Biscuit Enthusiast & Former Malvern District Young Sausage Maker of The Year Runner Up 1876.

outside lavatory

Dear Donald, Many Congratulations on your recent victory, which has led you to become The 45th President of The United States. Not an easy task for someone conceived behind a bus stop in Leytonstone. Anyway, all that aside, have you ever had prolonged access to an outside lavatory ?
Markus Endlewiener - Catford

Swadders: Indeed I have Markus. My first home had outside urinary facilities. Although, My Father was fond of renting it out to neighbours to store deckchairs and smoke kippers in. I was quite regularly forced to dash across the road to a Knitting Needle Factory to execute my business, so to speak. They were closed weekends & bank holidays, so we would have to catch a bus to a woodland area 45 minutes away. This didn't always have a satisfactory outcome. 

drilling



Dear Donald, We as a nation become increasingly health & safety conscious each year. On recent visits to Swaddlington Manor I've noticed smoke alarms in place, which is all well and good, but the question is, how often do you drill your staff ?
Charmaine Curry - Tyne & Wear Easter Egg Hunt 

Swadders: Most staff are drilled once a month Charmaine, whether it's needed or not. This is always at a random time of day and I never pre-announce it. Although I must admit that 46 of the last 48 drillings have occurred during the Chichester Women's Institutes Thrice-Weekly Sleepover. It's always so amusing and a great joy to see a fond mixture of sleek neglig├ęs and leopardskin onesies assembled on my forecourt.

wentworth


Dear Donald, I have a relationship management dilemma for you. My new boyfriend Wentworth & I love spending time together talking about interior design, theatre sets, antique dolls & Cher. However, he insists on bringing his young friend, a dancer called T'Pang, on every date. We spent a rather lack-lustre day at Hampton-on-the-Wane, although he did bring me some lovely Cagney & Lacey cup cakes. How do I move this relationship forward ?
Anne-Marie Spiritualist Medium - South London

Swadders: I think a river cruise or perhaps even an impromptu visit around a soft furnishings warehouse may help this flagging union to gather speed Anne-Marie. If T'pang however insists on tagging along, may I suggest a trail of feather boas be set out to lead him off your trail and onto the path of a local easter bonnet workshop. This should at least help you gain a head start towards some much needed "alone time".

plums


Dear Mister Swaddlipoppet, I am sat here stroking my Fou-Fou and watching Alan Titchmarsh talking about forcing his rhubarb. Have you ever forced your plums ?
Hortensia Gertrude Chesswood Fadge - Long Itchington

Swadders:  Never Hortensia. Although I have strained them on a couple of occasions. They make incredibly edible jam if soaked long enough. 

walnuts


Dear Donald, I am going on a shopping trip with my sister Anne-Marie Spiritualist Medium Starfish, this afternoon. We are intending to take a constiutional in 'The Walnuts' - a shopping emporium in Orpington. My question is -How many Walnuts is it referring to ? Do you think it's just the two ?
Charmaine Curry - Pizza Express, Locksbottom

Swadders: I would imagine that this is refering to a cluster of walnuts Charmaine. Legend has it , that whilst the centre was being built , a slack policy was introduced. Whereupon, every second wednesday, electricians and plasterers alike, were allowed to store a savoury snack of their choosing down their underpants. The Walnut being the most popular choice. At one time though it was thought the centre was destined be named The Pringles . Please enjoy this rendezvous with your sister and remember to pick up my prescription this time. Many Thanks

minor indiscretion

Dear Donald, I too am upset with the recent aesthetical changes to " ask swadders " however, I am willing to overlook this minor indiscretion in exchange for a four figure sum. Would this be possible ?
Richard Quickbuck - Hemsby, Norfolk

Swadders: No

knee repairs

Dearest Swadders, Do you know where I can get my bathing suit repaired ? I have a hole in the knee and I don't fancy buying speedos, not at my age.
John @sjcflower - Pudsey, West Yorkshire

Swadders:  I don't blame you. Far too tight around the old unmentionables dear chap. Perhaps you could try Madam Gigi's Patch & Embellishment Galleria opposite the Treacle memorial.

John: Of course, she has touched up my breeches before, how could I forget ?

shaven haven

Dear Mr Swaddlington, I don't know what to do! My thoughtful Roger has booked us a surprise caravan holiday! He hasn't said anything but I saw the shiny brochure with the name 'Shaven Haven' poking out of his briefcase. I have no idea where Shaven is - it must be up north. Should I let him know that I know ? Or should I just nip out and buy a new lilo ?
Minnie Haddock-Fadge - Canvey Island

Swadders:  Yes it's best to remain tight lipped Minnie. Your Roger may have been planning this surprise for months. It'll do absolutely no harm to be prepared by popping into town and purchasing a few essentials. As for the destination, just try and keep an open mind to where you might be heading. My suspicious nature suggests you are heading for caravan park of ill repute. So make the most of it.

Minnie: My lips are clamped !

implement


Dear Donald, As a small child I used to frequently visit the seaside. My Grandparents lived within close proximity and I would spend many happy golden summers trawling up and down the magical coastline. Whether I was taking the family Beagle for a walk or pretending to take part in pirate lime squeezing contest. I'd always emerge from the beach with a smile on my face. Anyway let me cut to the chase. If you could be any surgical implement, which would it be ?
Fletcher Robe-Morbenstein - Kingstanding, West Midlands

Swadders: I'd have to plump for a good old fashioned pair of pennington forceps Fletcher and thank you for the long winded description of your childhood.

village

Hello Dondelicio, I have been unable to sleep due to a question that is troubling me. Who would win the Village of the Year Award ? Trumpton or Chigley ? My endless love
Bernie x Bernie - Legoland , Denmark

Swadders: What a delightfully quaint question Bernie. I'd like to think they'd both win. Perhaps Trumpton would just edge it for the wonderfully titled " Miss Lovelace and The Mayor's Hat" episode and of course their most splendid fire brigade. Although on second thoughts Chigley's ring road would be ideally suited in the event of a open top bus victory parade for the town's under 55's sticklebrick assembly team. That's assuming their 88 year old silverware barren spell ever gets interrupted. I'm going to need more time to decide.

hosepipe


Dear Mr Swaddlington, On a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about the lifting of the hosepipe ban and will H from Steps be coming round to help you celebrate ?
Minnie Haddock-Fadge - Canvey Island, Essex

Swadders: What hosepipe ban ? My sprinklers have been on almost consistently since the Eurovision song contest semi finals. 

sex instructor

Dear Friend, As a qualified sex instructor I am looking for new clients and wondered if any of your Lady followers would like a free first lesson ?
Peregrine Vas-Deferens Philmore Fadge - De Cocksdorp, Netherlands

Swadders: It is very rare to come across such an unselfish gentleman as yourself Peregrine. Always putting others first. So those more unfortunate can access the rungs of life's golden ladder. I will be sure to spread the word of your generous offer. Goodbye and Good Luck.*


* leaves it 5 minutes then alerts the authorities.


recent furore



Dear Donald, With the recent furore over The Cameron's leaving their 8 year old daughter in a pub whilst they returned home. I was wondering if you'd ever left anything important behind in an inappropriate place ?
N.Clegg - Westminster

Swadders: It's funny you should ask this question. Only last month I left my elderly mother on a tram whilst circumnavigating Blackpool. It was'nt until I was peckish and started lining up at Harry Ramsden's without her, that I noticed my error. Thankfully I was reunited with her 18 days later. As someone had the good sense to place her in The Tram HQ Lost Property Section, between a game of Monopoly and a 6 tins of sardines in brine.

concerto



Dear Swadders, I'm currently in the midst of arranging and composing an oboe concerto and would be interested to know if you would be free to attend it's premiere at the Royal Albert Hall ?
Henrik McRinson-Jolt - Wembley

Swadders: How kind of you, when is this majestic event to take place ?

Henrik: Autumn 2023

Swadders: Why so far off ?

Henrik: I've only written the first bar and to be honest it's proving quite difficult.

Swadders: Could you contact me again nearer the time ?

Henrik: Yes indeed.

Swadders: Many Thanks.

battenburg


Dear Mr Swaddlington, I intend to enter The Swaddlington Manor Annual Battenberg Bake Off in June. My question is: If my Battenberg is more than ten inches long will I be disqualified ?
Minnie Haddock Fadge - Canvey Island

Swadders: Not necessarily Minnie. I'm going for flavour this year, rather than length. As long as the traditional pink and yellow checks are in place , you can make it 15 inches as far as I'm concerned.


Several Decades Later :


Krystal Brooks: How terribly avant garde of you, Donald.

crowd pleaser

My Dear Mr Swaddlington,I being the subject of tact and diplomacy,of which you are the veritable oracle.It is all systems go at the Haddock Fadgery tonight as we await my cousin Kiki Gondola-Fadge and her husband Peregrine for dinner. They are the most charming and erudite couple with immaculate table manners.The problem is that just before they leave Peregrine always lays a leviathan cable in my downstairs WC which refuses to flush. Under normal circumstances it would be a real crowd pleaser,but venturing to the garden shed to get some hedge shears to hack at the brute is the last thing I want to do after playing the cook hostess all evening.How can I broach the subject of his organic calling card?
Minnie Haddock Fadge - The Island of Canvey

Swadders: This is indeed a dilemma Minnie.The subject of such tomfoolery or indeed tom-stoolery is always hard to bring up at such an assemblage, however intimate. May I suggest announcing that before their arrival, that all household comfort stations are marked out of bounds. This could be due to a batch of toxic lavatory blocks. Also that all such offending items will have to be disposed of whilst hovering over a previously excavated transference ditch in the garden.Either that or book a table at your local Harvester and let them deal with it.

fisticuffs

Dear Mr Swaddington, I once had a fight with a bass guitar player who went on to be quite famous as part of a heavy metal beat group. Our fight was not about musical differences, it was merely to establish who was the hardest. I'm pleased to say, it turned out I was. My question is: Have you or any of your readers ever indulged in fisticuffs with someone famous ?
Steve Haythorne - Sheffield

Bernie x Bernie: I once scowled at Ms Cheryl Baker and she glared back. We were in the queue for a 99 at Shirley's Super Whip Ice Cream Van. Our children being present removed the threat of violence. This was back in the day when she preferred to be called Rita.

Leonard Leonardson: Surely no one prefers to be called Rita.

Charmaine Curry:  I had an altercation with Wendy Craig when I worked in Selfridges. She tried to buy a cushion by writing a cheque with no cheque card.

Liz Marriott: I once called Tom Cruise a vile, replusive piece of s*** and an insult to vampire films. He took it well also, as he was on the TV at the time and I was shouting at it.

Swadders: I once marginally beat Tommy Cannon, of Cannon & Ball fame, to a parking space on Blackpool Sea Front. This contributed to some minor, at distance, frowning.

Alex Jenkins: Me and my cousin were met with a look of disgust from Ms Zeta Jones once. We have disliked her ever since.

Charmaine Curry:  What were you doing to receive the disapprobation of CZJ ?

Alex Jenkins:  Back in the day when Our Price was still around, she was in the queue, we were behind and they wouldn't accept American Express, naturally, we were both rubbernecking.

Swadders: I also once stepped into a taxi in Wolverhampton, moments after Toyah Wilcox ( of Toyah fame) had hailed it down with Grandstand presenter Frank Bough. They weren't best pleased and I've never had a Christmas card off either since .... or before.

pleasuring

 Dearest Swadders, I have just returned home from a "salmon & muckraking evening " at my local charm parlour. Where upon , I discovered my husband pleasuring himself whilst watching a repeat episode of " Rosemary and Thyme". This came as quite a shock to me as I had left him decorating our hallway this morning , with only Radio 4 for companionship. Should I allow him to grace the dinner table this evening ? Incidentally , we are having Toad In the Hole.
Agatha Trimbly - Harrogate, North Yorkshire

Swadders: These minor indiscretions can happen from time to time over the course of a marriage I'm afraid Apronia. As long as he has washed his hands since the unpleasant episode, I don't see there being a problem. Don't hesitate to send any toad or hole over in the event of any leftovers.

saturation


Hey Don de Lion, As a lecturer of History it is my considered opinion that the past is the past and should be left well alone. With this in mind, I just wondered if you are as peeved off as me by all this Titanic media saturation ?
Bernie x Bernie - Southampton

Swadders: It is of national interest admittedly. But I'm more excited about an exciting Summer of events here at Swaddlington Manor. What also annoys me is that we have the greatest sporting event, ever to have taken place in this country, coming up and yet it's hardly been mentioned by the media.

Chris Quantrill: You don't mean World Toe-Wrestling Championships.Held at the Bentley Bridge Inn in Derbyshire in July ?

Swadders: Better than that Christopher. I was actually refering to the Arundel Hide & Seek championships.

Christopher Leask: I'm still competing in last years championships, no one has found me yet !

Swadders: Bravo Christopher Bravo !

union

Dear Donald, I came across this photograph of you and Lady Agatha on your wedding day. Why so solemn ? Are you struggling to keep suppressed a devastating family secret ? Will your union threaten to undo the delicate diplomatic relations between the west and the middle east ?
Anne-Marie Spiritualist Medium - The Enchanted Forest

Swadders: Well I must confess I didn't marry for love Anne-Marie. Young Agatha or Frigid Agatha, as she was known then and known since, spent most of the honeymoon crying down the phone to her mother and probation officer. My every move was seen as an attempt to deflower her wholesome nature. Even rinsing my socks out in the hotel sink.

varney


Dear Swadders, There is one question that has preyed on my mind my whole life. How the Dickens did Reg Varney become a national sex symbol ?
Charmaine Curry - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Swadders: During the 70's it was more commonplace for a man to reach his sexual peak in his late 50's. Of course today we all know that this sort of accolade is done and dusted by the age of 33. But these were very different days indeed. A time when two men could go to bed together for a simple conversation about the eurovision song contest. Without fear of carnal accusations. Eric & Ernie for example. Even Bert & Ernie. My father would often have business meetings in bed with some of his clients, whilst my mother glued broken crockery together downstairs, ironically many of those were called Ernie as well. The clients, not the plates, obviously.

laughter


Dear Swadders, Is laughter really the best medicine?
Charmaine Curry - Bromley

Swadders: I believe it very well could be Charmaine. For it is capable of releasing an array of helpful enzymes into the bloodstream whilst ushering away a whole host of unpleasant stuff. I recently cured myself of a tricky bout of pneumonia simply by watching 6 and a half minutes of ' It Ain't Half Hot Mum ' on YouTube.

tartan


Dear Sir, I was wondering do you ever wear a kilt and if so, in which tartan ?
Charmaine Curry - Bromley by Bow Overpass

Swadders: I once had my own bespoke Swaddlington tartan designed for me Charmaine. Or so I thought. It was actually material left over from the seats on the Bay City Rollers tour bus. A low point in an otherwise fun decade.

dreams

Darling Donald, Last night I had an erotic dream and when I awoke I had 7 sheds in my back garden. I wondered whether you have had any interesting dreams lately.Yours emotively  
Sir Bernard of Rogers  - Sevenoaks Boxing Club

Swadders: Its funny you should mention this Sir Bernard . I am almost constantly plagued with dreams containing erotic content. Only two nights ago I had to physically and quite graphically satisfy 8 women on a local cul de sac within a dream. Their husbands were away at the time on a golfing holiday. I found this very strange as in real life none of them own any golf clubs.

rat in my kitchen


Dearest Donald , There's a rat in my kitchen what am I going to do ? There's a rat in my kitchen what am I going to do ?
Derek O'Karma - Bristol

Swadders: You're going to fix that rat that's what you're going to do. You're going to fix that rat. Or alternatively you could involve some sort of pest control organisation. Although I'm informed that'll take several visits to your residence and culminate in a large invoice old sausage.

ladies

Good morning Sir Swadders, Why do ladies make things more complicated than they have to be ?
Lindsy Sell - Wisconsin

Swadders: Good morning to you Lindsy. Yes they're certainly a complicated species. Apart from my Aunt Petula. But then again she was originally my Uncle Malcolm. Which speaks volumes.

poppadoms


Dear Swadders , Are poppadoms illegal in theatres ? My son has just posed this to me and I feel I need further advice!
Sarah Murtagh - Tring, Herts

Swadders: Although extremely hazardous, I can find no law which forbids taking such an item into a theatre Sarah. Yet leopards & tapioca are banned. Crazy !

smugglers



Dear Swadders, Another bathing question ... budgie smugglers or trunks ? ;)
Lizzie Brennan - Perth , Western Australia

Swadders: Ha Ha Ha bathing trunks everytime young Lizzie. My budgie needs room to manoeuvre.

chip shop


Dear Swadders, I'm on a coach to Bridlington, can you recommend a good chip shop ?
Isaac Walker - Sheffield

Swadders: I can Isaac but unfortunately it's in Whitby.

3 women

Good Afternoon Donald , despite favouring the company of young men . I have recently made 3 women in their late 30's pregnant. Help !
Derek O'Karma - Bristol

Swadders: Erm ....

miracles

While I'm here , do you believe in miracles , Donald ?
Rhett Tuxedo - Tentacion , Mexico

Swadders : I do as a matter of fact Rhett. Only six years ago I was thinking of my frail old Aunt. Then suddenly last Tuesday, right out of the blue, she sent me a telegram asking for the safe return of her Teasmade ( which she had lent to me three decades earlier). Maybe my lame tale is more of a coincidence than a miracle. But it was the only thing I could think of, at short notice, that fitted in with your question. I wish you a peaceful & fruitful evening.

cholesterol


Dear Swadders, My G.P and Nutritionalist have both suggested weetabix would help lower my cholesterol. I've only ever used weetabix for cleaning the ring from round the bath. I'm a little concerned about the size of these things. Are they for oral or suppository use ?
Dave Wealleans - Northumbria

Swadders : Ha Ha, I suspect you'd get no joy from inserting one of these friendly little biscuits inside your back passage David. Or perhaps you would. No, they are for oral use only. I have 3 most mornings with warm milk & honey. I then stand back and let the merriment commence.

allergic


Dearest Donald , I recently discovered I'm allergic to marzipan. Do you have any food allergies ?
Apronia Applethwaite - East Riding of Yorkshire

Swadders: I do indeed young Apronia. Two in fact. Buffallo Mozzarella and Tic Tac's.

earliest memory

Dear Swadders, What is your earliest memory ?
Leonard Leonardson -Hastings

Swadders: I'd have to say being locked inside a sherbet fountain factory for 3 days over a May bank holiday Leonard. I was either 27 or 32 at the time and amused myself in a variety of ways, right up until the point of rescue.